First let me start off by saying this is absolutely not a pity part for myself, or to get people to feel bad for me. This is not me venting to the world that my life sucks, or I have problems, etc. Not at all, in fact I’m very content with my life right now. This is simply something that I want to share because I’m finally okay with sharing it. My goal is to reach out to someone who is going through, or has gone through the same situation. I wish I would have had someone to relate to, or learn from when I was going through those issues.
What it means to be involved in an abusive relationship is to feel threatened in any way by physical or psychological abuse. Most of the time, outsiders have absolutely no idea that any type of abuse is going on in the relationship. Which is why most of you who know me, and who thought you knew my relationship, were very surprised. In the beginning, everything was great. It was perfect, I was happy, and it was everything I could have wanted in a relationship. After a few months, I started noticing little things that made me a little insecure about the relationship, but because I was so “in love” I made excuses, and ignored them. Following the few amazing months, I saw a lot of anger in this person, aggression, and jealousy. It came out of no where, and it progressively got worse. Even the smallest things would cause rages of anger, and I would get called extremely hurtful names, and be put down. It turned into control after anger, and I wasn’t allowed to have friends, or talk to anyone. In his eyes, I didn’t do anything right. If I spoke in the wrong tone of voice, I would be screamed at. Eventually, after months of being broken down and feeling like this was what I deserved, it escalated to physical violence. I was physically forced into doing things, and if I tried to say no, I was grabbed and thrown against a wall. I had glass bottles thrown at me or whatever was lying around. I felt trapped.
Again, just restating that I am not looking for empathy.
What I want to share with you is signs that a relationship is, or getting to be abusive. Jealous and possessiveness are huge factors, it plays a part in control. Trying to tell you what to do, or who you can/can’t talk to. If this person is violent, or loses their temper easily. If they pressure you into anything, sexually or not. They make you feel like you are responsible for their emotional state. You have to worry about what you say, or what you do. They put you down, or make you feel below them. If they have grown up in an abusive household, or witnessed an abusive relationship. If you find yourself being afraid to leave them.
I had every one of these characteristics of an abusive relationship, but because I was involved so deeply, it felt impossible to escape. Although not all abusive relationships are physical, once mine got to that point, I knew I had to get out.
Abusive relationships are progressive, they get worse over time. Usually, emotional abuse will quickly turn into physical abuse.
What I’ve learned from this situation is that you can’t change people. You can only change yourself. If you don’t like what you’re involved in, change it. These types of relationships don’t fix themselves, you need both people to be willing to fix it. Now that I am completely out of that relationship, I know it was the right thing to do. It was extremely difficult, but it was better for me.
I did not wake up one morning and decide to be a lesbian. This is false, and those of you who truly know me understand why. I have never been comfortable with talking about this to anyone, but now that I am opening up about what happened in my past relationship, I feel as though I can be open about myself too.
For those of you who don’t know me, I have only had a serious relationship with two people in my life. I wrote an extremely long post before about how I knew that I was gay, but why I chose to date my ex.
When I was 12 years old, I knew that I liked girls. I always wanted to be with one, but I was terrified that my friends weren’t going to like me, or my family would treat me differently. When I got into high school, it made my fears even worse than I could have imagined. I felt pressured to live up to high school girl standards- be popular, have a popular boyfriend, be pretty.. etc. I dated my first real boyfriend when I was 15. I wrote an extremely long post about how I knew that I was gay, and the moment I realized it. When I dated him, I liked him for who he was as a person, and not because he was a male. When physical things starting coming into play, I immediately felt disgusted, awkward, and just not right. I thought maybe it was because I was too young, or that it just wasn’t the right person. So we broke up, now fast forward to my most previous ex, Mark. I still wasn’t sure that coming out would be a good idea, and I was constantly making excuses to disguise the fact that I wanted to be with a girl. I even told him that I felt deep down I was gay. Of course he turned it into a joke, and as you can tell, he wasn’t a good person. I never looked at a male, and desired him, the way I look at a female and desire her. I'm just not comfortable with men, I never will be. Anyway, something was always missing between me and both of my ex’s. I never fully understood what the reason was until I was first with a girl. Those butterflies in my stomach that I wished so badly to have, I finally had them. The moment when I kissed her for the first time, I knew that this was what I needed, and wanted more than anything. This is something I had been feeling for years, but never was able to confirm it due to my fear of the outside world. Being with a woman is so natural for me. It feels right. I always knew when I was younger that when I found the perfect girl, I would be happy. My best friends were not surprised at all, they knew deep down what I was feeling. The comfort that I share with girl, I will never be able to find with a man.
I really wish that those of you who are following me for the first time had been able to see my previous posts. They explained so much about me, about my life, and my experiences. I promise I’ll try to do the best I can to catch you all up to speed, but this is all I can do for now. Thank you for understanding.
With love,
Amanda
